Helping families heal after abuse
After leaving an abusive relationship, Maria entered a downtown shelter with her four children, 9 year old Robert, 7 year old Susanna, five year old Marc and 6 month old Anna. It was there she first met one of our shelter workers and began counseling for herself and her family.
All of the children, in one way or another, suffered from having been exposed to the abuse of their mother. This is not surprising – children who are exposed to woman abuse are more likely to have emotional and behavioural problems. Many experience depression, anxiety, and anger. They may have problems at school, aggressive outbursts, and trouble making (and keeping) friends. These children are also at greater risk of being abused or being abusive as adults.
Maria’s oldest child, Robert, for example, was already behaving violently at home and at school. When he was violent toward his mother he claimed he was allowed because that’s how his father had treated her.
Although Maria and her children had left their abusive household, they still needed help.
They began attending Here to Help – a group treatment program at Child Development Institute, specifically for mothers and children recovering from the trauma of family violence. Mothers learn about the effects that witnessing family violence have children, and tools to deal with the challenges of parenting after violence. The program also helps prevent children from recreating violence or becoming victims as adults.
Once in the Here to Help program it also became clear that five-year old Marc may have a developmental delay. He was referred for further testing.
At first Robert, the oldest child, resisted the group sessions. He didn’t understand why he needed to be in the program. That is, until he watched a video showing other children talking about violence in their families. Robert was relieved to find that this had happened to other children – that he was not alone. Like so many other children who keep abuse a secret, he had felt isolated and ashamed and thought violence only happened at his house.
Although many parents will tell you that they have managed to shield their children from the violence at home, 80% of children who are interviewed will describe exactly the opposite…that they have often witnessed, or are present in the home, when their mother has been abused.
Maria had thought that her daughter, Susanna, had not seen any of the violence at home. But in her group, Susanna drew the same picture every week – a particular violent scene between her parents. After Susanna saw the video of other children talking about violence, she cried and finally talked about what she had seen. Staff were able to help her share her experience with her mother. This was the first time Maria and Susanna talked about the violence that had happened. And it was the last time Susanna drew the picture of the violent scene.
Throughout the sessions and since leaving the program, Maria has shared with us many stories of hope. The family is now in independent housing where they have made a new start, safe from violence. Robert no longer has difficulties at school and his relationship with his mother has greatly improved. Susanna has stopped having nightmares and wetting the bed. Marc was referred for a complete developmental assessment and received a special needs day care placement. And Maria is hopeful for her infant daughter’s chance to grow up without violence.
Maria described the process of group sessions like the process of slowly opening a present; untying the ribbon; taking the wrapping off; opening the lid, and knowing that the greatest gift was inside – her new life.
This is the story of just one family. In Canada, it is estimated that 800,000 children are exposed to the abuse of their mothers each year. Family violence services at CDI, like Here to Help, are desperately needed in our community and are proven to be successful. Thank you for helping families, like Maria’s, move past abuse and build healthier, happier futures together.
